Category Archives: Thoughts

I’m just me. Perfectly imperfect. Always changing, never fading – standing tall in a world that strives to grind you down and blend you in.

I’ll smile when I’m sad and give my heart to make you glad, but never ask for what I cannot give.

I’ll be me, you be you and we’ll create a paradise where souls can dream and hearts can fly.

Rambling Thoughts

The Road to Burnham

When I think of who I was a few years ago, a few months ago – even last week – it floors me to see how much I’ve changed.
The changes in the last week or so are small, things that would be hardly noticeable to others – but the months, the years of little things have changed me so completely that I’m only a tiny fraction of who I once was.
My hopes, my dreams, my beliefs and convictions; they have all been tossed out the window and slowly gathered back so many times it’s not surprising that they look a little different these days. I just wonder if they’re better, if I managed to find all the important bits and leave the things behind that were meant to stay there – or if it’s all just a big jumble that makes as little sense as it once did.
I honestly couldn’t tell you; it’s just one of the endless things that I don’t know.
What I do know is a shorter list and it too will no doubt be tossed out the window from time to time. I hope it is – in all honesty I hope I never stop learning, never stop changing. Not all the changes might be positive, but they all bring me a little closer to who I’m supposed to be. To knowing who I am and who I want to be.
Some of the changes are voluntary; it’s possible you know, to change yourself – that’s one of the details I’ve recently added to the list of things I know. There are a few things I wish I could do and I’m determined to push myself until they become a natural part of who I am.
Like saying what’s on my mind. I’m getting better at this one; I talk now – but it’s a work in progress, I know that. It’s hard to make these changes overnight, but I’ll keep trying.
Like not waiting until it’s too late. Sometimes in a moment I know there is something I should do, something I want to do or say – but I don’t. For no other reason than the fact that I am not certain how it would be received by… well whoever might happen to be on the receiving end. Sometimes it’s as simple as defending something I believe in, sometimes it’s a desire clinging to the inside of my chest that is screaming at me to act… but it gets ignored. To my eternal regret.
Which brings me to my next desired change; no regrets. This one might be impossible – but it’s tied in very closely with the other two. It’s not that I expect to never regret anything ever again, that’s ludicrous. I simply don’t want to regret NOT having done something. I don’t want regrets because of a lack of courage or determination or willingness to put myself out there. That’s not who I want to be.
Some of the changes in my life have happened without me even noticing; events and people I have met have changed me and shaped me more drastically than I could ever do on my own. They definitely account for some of the negative changes, the ones I know I need to work on. But they also account for every single one of the good changes – including my desire to change myself, my desire to become a better person. I never would have stumbled across it if I were alone in this world.
Why am I telling you this? I’m not too sure really – maybe it’s a warning so you’re not surprised if I suddenly do something drastic and seemingly unexpected. Or maybe it’s because it’s something I need to say.
… or perhaps it is for no other reason than the fact that taking the time to write something out is the best way I know to make sense of the thoughts running through my head. Ask me to tell you what’s going on in there, I will probably shrug and say nothing because I don’t know how to explain it. Hand me a pen and paper and I’ll write you a novel.
Chances are it wouldn’t be quite what you were expecting… but who wants to be completely predictable anyway?
Picture via D H Wright

Let Go

The greatest things in life should always be simple. Happiness, love, friendship. It doesn’t need to be complicated – and if it is, it’s because we made it that way. Because we’ve put too much effort into defining it and trying to see a future that we could never even hope to guess at. Because we’re afraid of making mistakes or afraid to feel or maybe afraid to just let go.

Fear is the biggest complication in your life. It can and will ruin even what was destined to be great.

If we all lived in this moment, yes, this one – the one where you’re reading this. The one where I’m writing it. We’d be so busy living for today that we wouldn’t have time to worry about tomorrow.

If you’re waiting for something – stop waiting. Find it. If you want it badly enough, right now should be the moment that you search for it. What is the point in waiting until tomorrow since you can’t possibly know what tomorrow will hold?

Stop looking at what could go wrong, at what you could lose – strip away the things that don’t matter. Let go of the fear. Look past the complications that you have fabricated – they don’t mean anything. They’re just roadblocks preventing you from having whatever it is that you really want.

If the path you’re on has gotten too rocky, take a shortcut through the grass. You might not end up where you expected but it might just be where you were meant to be. Sure, there will be snakes, probably a cactus or two… but getting to where you are meant to be will always be worth it.

Leave the future to itself. It will come whether you wait for it or chase it down. So don’t worry about it – just take this moment and live it like it was meant to be lived.

If you wait for the future to come to you, if you wait for the ‘right’ moment; you’ll miss out on some of the best experiences of your life.

Let go of your fears. Let go of the pain. Let all the things that have gone wrong slide into the past where they belong.

Let go – and live.

Tear off the Labels

Sometimes I wonder why we humans are so bound and determined to define and label everything in our lives. We puzzle over our feelings and memories until we can give them a concrete definition. That is love. This is friendship. That was betrayal. No one stops to remember that no sensation, moment or action is ever simple. You cannot look at the moment when a mother holds her child for the first time and break it down into nothing more than words.
You can’t truly define emotions – love will be blended with happiness, peace with contentment and anger tinged with fragments of regret. Our lives are the sum of our experiences – we don’t strive to give a name to every piece of a puzzle, why should we try something so impossible with our lives?
If we define something, give it name – it is forever contained in that one box. Hampered and held back by nothing but meaningless words and unable to reach its true potential.
How much greater could the moments in our lives be if we simply accepted them for what they are? Nothing more and nothing less.

Embrace It – A Love Story

Oh change. How you bug me. Especially when change means that I am about to do something I said I never will.

As much as I hate going against something I said previously, I have no choice but to accept that I cannot always be right. No matter how much I wish I could be.

True love must change and grow – whether it is love for that delicious cheeseburger, soul mate or in my case the love of books. How can I claim love if I’m not willing to see it through its changes? Now that I have begun looking deeper I have realized that it isn’t just the books I love.

That is the superficial part of my love, the love that I can see and touch and smell. The deeper, true, unquenchable love, is my love for the written word. However a story is recorded, whether beautifully in ink or ecologically friendly and in an e-reader – deep down inside it’s still the same. The same hard work still went into it, the same hopes and dreams and… love.

It will still teach me, help me grow, bring a smile to my lips or a tear to my eye. It is still the story that I love, and it always will be – no matter what form it takes.

No one else could have told me this, it was something I had to figure out on my own. I don’t want to miss out on an amazing story just because it was recorded in a way that was different from what I’m used to.

I’m burying the hatchet. Laying down my tomahawk. Holstering my guns.

I’ll give this new medium a try, because if I don’t – how can I truly claim that it’s the stories that mean so much to me?

Run, Don’t Walk

While at work today I was given one of the most inspiring speeches I’ve heard from a flesh and blood person. In today’s world of rules and guidelines for every aspect of life, it’s hard to find people who are fearless about pushing the boundaries. And I don’t mean the people who rebel against society for the sole purpose of being ‘themselves’ and thus end up exactly like the millions of others who are claiming the same thing.

I’m talking about people who are actually capable, and willing, to have an original thought. Who will then take that thought and share it, and turn it into something new.

I was told today, in no uncertain terms, “You have to want to fail.” My mind balked at this. Failure is something that haunts my every step, the thought of not doing well makes my stomach churn. But as she continued to explain her thought to me, I realized, in absolute amazement, she is right.

If the only detail we focus on is success, we will be far too afraid to think outside the box. We will instinctively reject any idea that is ludicrous or difficult because it might prevent us from achieving that all important success.

And where does that leave us? On the road to ordinary, just like everyone else. We’re told to set small goals, achievable ones. When it comes to weight loss, working out, word counts (if you’re a writer) – in happiness and life we’re told to think small. All we are ever going to get from such a mentality is something small. We will perpetually underestimate ourselves, and as such our goal will only be normal. If normality is what you wish to achieve, by all means do so.

But what if you set yourself up to fail?

You might fail. That is always a possibility.

At the same time you might find that you can push yourself to heights you never thought were possible.

If you set impossible goals, or run with impossible ideas – you might find yourself achieving the impossible.

The fear of failure can only succeed in stunting your growth.

Socks – of the non matching variety

As many people know, I have a habit of wearing mismatched socks. But when I was challenged with writing a post about the reasons why, I was forced to delve into the deeper meaning behind a pair of neon green and pink stripped socks.

I have always said that I wanted to be a writer because then when I’m walking down the street and people inquire about the lack of fashion on my feet I can simply say “Well I’m a writer.” No one will feel the need to inquire further. After all, writers are expected to be unusual and absolutely unique.

But why do I really do it? Perhaps it is a gesture of defiance against the kind of society that believes that both halves of our body should be identical.

For me – the sensation I feel when putting on a pair of very different socks is something akin to comfort. It’s quite similar to your favourite shade of lipstick, or the shirt and tie you favour. Some things we gravitate towards more easily than others. Mismatched socks come naturally to me. As such, I’m not saying that this particular fashion statement is for everyone – just like not everyone can wear the same colour of shirt. Just don’t discount the unusual because it might be frowned upon – or misunderstood. Take a chance now and then, and let the world know you’re not afraid to express yourself.

Try it for a day – see how it feels to escape the confines of ‘normal’ society

The reality of the situation is of course slightly less interesting. Matching socks is tedious work – to which I am not suited in the slightest. I have gotten so used to picking random socks out of a pile that seeing two matching socks on my feet is rather disconcerting. I will usually swap one of them and set the universe right again. (Thus continuing the cycle and my rebellion against what the world considers ‘acceptable’ fashion.)

A thank you to Kichelle for suggesting the topic – If you have a subject you would like to see featured in my blog, simply drop a suggestion in the comments box.

The crazy thing is; you cannot measure it by any conventional means. It has no weight or volume and its strength cannot be measured by time elapsed. It is a foolish thing. A wild thing. And so valuable that once you find it you will never wish to let it go.