Tag Archives: Living

Rambling Thoughts

The Road to Burnham

When I think of who I was a few years ago, a few months ago – even last week – it floors me to see how much I’ve changed.
The changes in the last week or so are small, things that would be hardly noticeable to others – but the months, the years of little things have changed me so completely that I’m only a tiny fraction of who I once was.
My hopes, my dreams, my beliefs and convictions; they have all been tossed out the window and slowly gathered back so many times it’s not surprising that they look a little different these days. I just wonder if they’re better, if I managed to find all the important bits and leave the things behind that were meant to stay there – or if it’s all just a big jumble that makes as little sense as it once did.
I honestly couldn’t tell you; it’s just one of the endless things that I don’t know.
What I do know is a shorter list and it too will no doubt be tossed out the window from time to time. I hope it is – in all honesty I hope I never stop learning, never stop changing. Not all the changes might be positive, but they all bring me a little closer to who I’m supposed to be. To knowing who I am and who I want to be.
Some of the changes are voluntary; it’s possible you know, to change yourself – that’s one of the details I’ve recently added to the list of things I know. There are a few things I wish I could do and I’m determined to push myself until they become a natural part of who I am.
Like saying what’s on my mind. I’m getting better at this one; I talk now – but it’s a work in progress, I know that. It’s hard to make these changes overnight, but I’ll keep trying.
Like not waiting until it’s too late. Sometimes in a moment I know there is something I should do, something I want to do or say – but I don’t. For no other reason than the fact that I am not certain how it would be received by… well whoever might happen to be on the receiving end. Sometimes it’s as simple as defending something I believe in, sometimes it’s a desire clinging to the inside of my chest that is screaming at me to act… but it gets ignored. To my eternal regret.
Which brings me to my next desired change; no regrets. This one might be impossible – but it’s tied in very closely with the other two. It’s not that I expect to never regret anything ever again, that’s ludicrous. I simply don’t want to regret NOT having done something. I don’t want regrets because of a lack of courage or determination or willingness to put myself out there. That’s not who I want to be.
Some of the changes in my life have happened without me even noticing; events and people I have met have changed me and shaped me more drastically than I could ever do on my own. They definitely account for some of the negative changes, the ones I know I need to work on. But they also account for every single one of the good changes – including my desire to change myself, my desire to become a better person. I never would have stumbled across it if I were alone in this world.
Why am I telling you this? I’m not too sure really – maybe it’s a warning so you’re not surprised if I suddenly do something drastic and seemingly unexpected. Or maybe it’s because it’s something I need to say.
… or perhaps it is for no other reason than the fact that taking the time to write something out is the best way I know to make sense of the thoughts running through my head. Ask me to tell you what’s going on in there, I will probably shrug and say nothing because I don’t know how to explain it. Hand me a pen and paper and I’ll write you a novel.
Chances are it wouldn’t be quite what you were expecting… but who wants to be completely predictable anyway?
Picture via D H Wright

Let Go

The greatest things in life should always be simple. Happiness, love, friendship. It doesn’t need to be complicated – and if it is, it’s because we made it that way. Because we’ve put too much effort into defining it and trying to see a future that we could never even hope to guess at. Because we’re afraid of making mistakes or afraid to feel or maybe afraid to just let go.

Fear is the biggest complication in your life. It can and will ruin even what was destined to be great.

If we all lived in this moment, yes, this one – the one where you’re reading this. The one where I’m writing it. We’d be so busy living for today that we wouldn’t have time to worry about tomorrow.

If you’re waiting for something – stop waiting. Find it. If you want it badly enough, right now should be the moment that you search for it. What is the point in waiting until tomorrow since you can’t possibly know what tomorrow will hold?

Stop looking at what could go wrong, at what you could lose – strip away the things that don’t matter. Let go of the fear. Look past the complications that you have fabricated – they don’t mean anything. They’re just roadblocks preventing you from having whatever it is that you really want.

If the path you’re on has gotten too rocky, take a shortcut through the grass. You might not end up where you expected but it might just be where you were meant to be. Sure, there will be snakes, probably a cactus or two… but getting to where you are meant to be will always be worth it.

Leave the future to itself. It will come whether you wait for it or chase it down. So don’t worry about it – just take this moment and live it like it was meant to be lived.

If you wait for the future to come to you, if you wait for the ‘right’ moment; you’ll miss out on some of the best experiences of your life.

Let go of your fears. Let go of the pain. Let all the things that have gone wrong slide into the past where they belong.

Let go – and live.